If I ruled the travel world....

…airport bathroom stalls would open with the door OUT. Almost everyone is dragging some sort of roller bag these days. When the stall door opens IN, you have to push in your bag(s), enter, twist around and push the bag back towards the door before you can take care of business. When finished, you go through all the gyrations in reverse. This is especially fun when you are traveling in the winter and add a heavy coat to the mix. If doors opened out, entrance and exit would be a snap!

….every airport would have O’Hare’s automatic toilet seat covers. Just run your hand over the sensor and you are rewarded with your own private plastic cover that tightly covers the seat. By the way, those sensors ALWAYS work.

…no airport bathroom would be allowed to have those ridiculous motion sensor towel dispensers. Actually, no place in the world should be allowed to have those ridiculous dispensers.

…any faucets with motion detectors should WORK rather than making the poor traveler stupidly move from one sink to another hoping that one will turn on and rinse the soap off her hands.

Think I spend a lot of time in bathrooms???????? On other topics…

…security would make you PROVE you can use the “expert traveler” line. Perhaps something like my manicurist’s rewards card would work. Each time you go through security without doing anything stupid you get a punch. After ten punches you are allowed into the expert travel line. Anyone who goes through the “expert” line without putting their three-ounce containers of liquid in a one quart bag would be forever banned from expert status.

….airlines would not be allowed to change the time of your flight (barring valid weather or equipment delays) by more than fifteen minutes. This comment just could be related to my spending five hours cooling my heels in Connecticut today after they, for no known reason, changed the flight times sometime between the time I made the reservation months ago and yesterday when they bothered to tell me.

…if the airplane is so small that there are virtually no overhead bins, tell the passengers this WHEN THEY BOOK. That gives the passengers the opportunity to pack appropriately while still at home. Mentioning this FOR THE FIRST TIME while you are boarding the plane just doesn’t cut it! Fortunately I had a giant “purse” into which I could cram my computer, and other priceless items I can’t let ride in the plane’s underbelly.

…put a tazer on each “personal item”. The tazer will go off only if a person tries to put that “personal item “ (read: large computer case) in the overhead bin after already stowing a roller bag. People who have seats at the front of the plane and have to board last get really ticked when they can’t find a space put even a small bag in the overhead bin. One item per person in the overhead bins, people!

…prominently display what eating establishments are located in each concourse. Detroit does this – thank you Detroit! In that airport you can actually plan ahead where you will have your fine dining experience.

…recycle the pop cans and plastic cups used on the airplane.

…eliminate all redundant announcements in the airport. Why oh why does O’Hare tell us over and over again that the security level is orange and remind us to put our three ounce liquids in a one quarter zipper bag AFTER WE HAVE ALREADY GONE THROUGH SECURITY!!

…require that all gate agents speak loudly and slowly enough that we can actually hear what they have to say. Unlike the announcements listed above, we actually need to hear these.

…either provide more leg room on airplanes or make it impossible to recline your seat. Suck it up, people, the person behind you likes to breathe.

…sell de-caf Diet Coke at airports. Nothing like a caffeine buzz when you have to get up at 5:30 the next day.

…provide free wi-fi at the airport.

….imitate Southwest Airlines and put a little humor into the safety announcements. People might actually listen.

…actually use those near-in gates. I believe that all airplanes take off from gate 39Z. Gates 1 and 2 are evidently just for show.

And then there are hotels….

….if you provide a free breakfast buffet (thank you if you do!), please open it at 6:00 for those of us who start our work days really early.

…as silly as it sounds, imitate one hotel chain which provides a multitude of LABELED pillows. Ah, the wonder of finding a soft pillow in a world of hard foam neck twisters.

…provide an alarm clock that is simple to operate. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I can get an alarm to work no more than one out of ten times---and I’m a college graduate! Fortunately, phone alarms are reliable.

…provide an easily accessible outlet next to the bed so that you can charge your phone where you can find it when it rings in the morning.

…provide something in addition to fourteen versions of ESPN and endless expose “real crime” type shows on the TV. Some travelers prefer to veg out to House Hunters or What Not to Wear. (Not me, of course, I’ve heard that OTHERS like those shows.)

….while I’m on the TV topic, get the rest of the country to present shows at the “right” time as we do in the Central Time Zone. Who on earth can stay up until 10:00 p.m. to watch CSI!

And finally, car rental places….

…don’t bother asking us if we want supplemental insurance. Put up a sign saying, “If you are interested in supplementary insurance, just ask.”

…stop the silliness of offering us an upgrade for x amount of dollars. We know you will upgrade for free if you don’t have the size car we reserved.

All the above being said, it’s pretty remarkable that I could leave
Chicago at 6:00 p.m. on Wednesday, sleep in Connecticut, work eight hours, and be back home in Chicago by 10:00 p.m. Thursday.

Beats a wagon train big time!

Oops, just got a text about another flight delay. I’ll be home at 10:30.

I hope.

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